It’s not every day I talk about this, but today is a day I can’t stop crying. Grieving. Feeling lost. It’s unfair, but I know life’s unfair.

My husband lost his job in May and has yet to find a placement (suitable enough for him). He reminds me of someone who has no direction, has lost all hope and will to live, and seems just fine with it. I know he’s not OK with it, and his brain doesn’t work the same anymore. I don’t understand how he was a thousand times better than he is now two to three years after his stroke. Why?

I have prayed. I have pled. I’ve promised the world if I could get back a tiny part of the man I married. The man my kids call ‘Dad’ – he doesn’t act like a dad anymore, and it rips my heart to shreds. He’s not happy. For two years, we’ve done this back-and-forth thing where I hate him, he hates me. I’m trying to convince him he needs to find somewhere else to stay while we figure this out because the suffering ones don’t deserve this childhood: our kids. All three of them show signs of depression and anxiety, primarily environmental. How can I fix this? What do I do to make it better?

How can I not walk around my messy house and just cry when I see him lying on the couch, watching tv, eating, or sleeping? How can I not keep grieving for a man I lost who lives with me? How? I’m petrified of being without him, yet…I already am. Any direction or sign would be super helpful. I just need to know if I’m meant to be right here or if I need to pick up these broken pieces and move on with or without my best friend.

I’m a mess. I’m still in love with this jerk and don’t know how to stop. And it’s not even his god-blessed fault. What would you do? Just imagine if this were the love of your life…

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.”

– Jonathan Harnisch, Freak (2016)

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”

– Michael Faudet